Pepe da Rosa - Los doce trabajos de Hércules versuri traducere în engleză

English

The twelve labors of Hercules

I feel myself like a mythologist which comes from myth and today I'm gonna talk about Hercules. Hercules, that was some guy, some guy! Among the mythological heroes we have to feed Hercules apart. Well, and feed him without reservations because you don't put a guy like him to sleep with a yogurt, just because.

Hercules was a son of Zeus and Alcmene. Well, you might not mind about it but I have to tell it if I want to respect mythology. Still being in the cradle, they threw two snakes to him with all the bad intentions of the world. Well, Hercules (who was called back then Herculito1) grabbed the two snakes with the hands and killed them before the nanny came with the milk.That was the kid, but no, now you'll see.

Eurystheus, king of Tiryns, ordered him what was known as the twelve labors of Hercules. And here comes the issue. The first labor: to slay the Nemean lion. You'll see, how would I say the Nemean lion was. You might know the Metro Goldwin Mayer lion, when it appears in cinemascope and it fills the whole screen, right? Well, that lion next to the Nemean lion was one of the seven dwarfs next to Emiliano.

Next he was ordered to slay the Lernaean Hydra, which was a giant snake with seven heads, that everytime he cuts one head, two would grow out. Well, all right, fro Hercules was to remove the joint heads with every blow. Then he had to capture the Ceryneian Hind, to capture the Erymanthian Boar and to slay all the birds of the Stymphalian swamp.

The sixth labor consisted in cleaning the stables of King Augeas. Those stables had three thousand cattle living there and they had not been cleaned for years, so you can imagine how those stables were. It was a true mess and here Eurystheus went too far, because one thing is to order Hercules forced labor and other thing is to turn him into a servant. But Hercules didn't mind, he bent his back, brought the bucket and the mop and with water and detergent, he left them so clean that one could eat on the floor.

Then he had to slay the Minotaur. The Minotaur was a monster with the body of a man and the head of a bull who ruled an island. Every year as a tribute, people had to sent the Minotaur seven young men and seven maidens. Well, I see well the maidens, but come on, to send him seven young men is somewhat suspicious, and one thinks if the Minotaur didn't have a cow. Anyway, Hercules went to the bull, with a Playboy cover on the left hand and a red cape on the right hand and cut his two ears. He could have cut his tail too, but since I said that the monster had the body of a man and the head of a bull, he indeed cut his ears but he preferred to keep the tail.

Another of the Hercules labors was to obtain the girdle of Hippolyta, queen of the Amazon. Hercules liked that labor, because based on the fact that he was a man (something that was being shown) besides he liked the amazons. And also the amazons were minxes, and about that one can see that Hercules was dangerous, well Hercules went to Hippolyta. Hippolyta saw this hell of a man coming, who was like Robert Redford of those days but much better built, and she gave him the girdle. Well, I mean, she gave him the girdle, the sandals, well.

The next labor was to slay Geryon, who was a three headed giant. Well, bear in mind that having three heads in that time was usual. Just to tell you, that the one who had only one head, was walking embarrassed by the street. then he made a couple labors more and for the last came the labor number twelve, which consisted in capturing Cerberus.

Cerberus was a giant dog with fifty heads, which I believe that mythology crosses the line here, because I just can't imagine a dog with so many heads. Come one, there's not even a place for the tail! But anyway, we're gonna let this thing pass and we go to the thing. Hercules went to where the dog was, he said '(whistle) Boby boby', and when the fifty heads turned to him, he brought a french female dog which with erotic intentions showed a leg to Cerberus, while Hercules was singing 'Tariro, tariro'. And even the last head came in the cage.

Well, and those were the twelve labors of Hercules. Mythology says that he kept doing things, like breaking up mountains and splitting Europe from Africa. And here it was when I started to realize that mythology was getting carried away, and since it was four in the morning, I kicked out mythology and went to sleep.

1. 'Little Hercules' but it's a pun of 'little ass'

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